Ross Hickman, MA, LPC-S, Registered Play Therapist Supervisor, Pathways President
We’ve all been there; during a conversation, we don’t feel we’re being heard—or maybe worse, heard but not understood. So, we increase our volume and rate of speech, getting agitated. We feel disrespected and frustrated because our thoughts and feelings are being dismissed. This situation is typically initiated by the listeners’ ill-timed, negative, verbal or non-verbal responses.
Non-verbal communication plays a vital role in how we interact with others. It is commonly quoted that communication is 90% nonverbal communication and body language, with the remainder made up of actual words and other vocal elements. You can find different studies that quote different amounts of non-verbal communication in relationships, but regardless of which is true, we know for a fact that non-verbals play a very important role in how we communicate and perceive communication.One piece of communication that accompanies our nonverbal reactions is silence. We can convey approval, disapproval, anger, or other messages through a silent response.
UTILIZING HEALTHY SILENCE
Silence can be positive or negative in our communications. When we experience it negatively, it can take on the form of the silent treatment, which most of us have both received and delivered at some point in our lives. Additionally, responding with silence when someone needs verbal validation or encouragement can be devastating to a relationship.
Positive silence is necessary for strong relationships to last. Healthy silence can show a level of vulnerability and comfort within a relationship. At other times, one or both individuals may need a break from verbal communication, just being content in each other’s space. Healthy silence can also be utilized when a person is angry and escalating. Simply being quiet and not escalating with the speaker can extinguish a damaging situation before it begins.
ACTIVE LISTENING
Utilizing silence for positive outcomes is greatly dependent on active listening, which is a learned skill. James 1:19 states, “My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”
Active listening involves intentionally processing what we are hearing before we initiate or formulate a response or rebuttal. It is meeting the other person where they are emotionally and cognitively. At that point, a good, active listener processes what they are hearing and does not force their own frame of reference into the situation.
ACTIVE LISTENING SUGGESTIONS:
Give the speaker your undivided attention and remove distractions. Turn off the television or radio, and both the speaker and listener should put any audio/video device on silent and place in another room. Keep constant eye contact with the speaker and keep still, not reacting with any negative body language (i.e. sighing, dropping your head, or tapping your fingers).
Allow the speaker to completely finish what they are saying before responding.
Summarize what the speaker has conveyed and ask for clarity if you don’t understand any part of what they’ve said.
Do not offer suggestions or judgment when responding to their statement; you can discuss your opinion later, after they feel truly heard.
Using silence is key to good active listening. Letting silence and processing happen allows the listener to digest what they have heard and respond at the right time with a thoughtful reply. Proverbs 15:23 tells us that to give an appropriate answer is joy, and that a word spoken at the right time is delightful.
Embracing silence is not easy, but it is an important part of healthy relationship communication.
